One year ago I was in the hospital indirectly because of Covid.

I didn’t have coronavirus but I was dealing with the repercussions of what the pandemic and the lockdown had brought. I felt like I was going crazy with what felt like constant voices running through my head. I was crying pretty much 24/7 and telling my mom that when I went to sleep, I hoped that I didn’t wake up. No parent wants to hear that. Unfortunately, this was not the first time those words had been brought to my parents’ ears. 

Being someone who’s dealt with anxiety pretty much my whole life, the thought of a global shut down at first glance was terrifying enough when we thought it was just going to be three weeks. I thought “Okay, a break.” Little did I know that it was going to go on for over a year and get continuously worse. The week after Easter, 2020, I cried pretty much all the time. I felt like I was a whole other being inside my brain – something I had my anxiety to thank for –  since my OCD was acting up worse than it possibly ever had, which led me to be extremely depressed. I had suicidal ideations every day, and though I told myself I would never do anything to actually hurt myself, I would go to bed dreading the next morning and terrified that I wouldn’t get us a good nights sleep because I’d be having panic attacks throughout the entire night. 

I went to Saint Joseph’s Hospital on April 19 with my mom, who was unable to accompany me inside due to the pandemic restrictions. I was told she had to wait outside the hospital in our car which made things even worse because the idea of being alone in a hospital during a world crisis that already lead to feelings of isolation destroyed me. I cried and begged and tried to reason with the triage nurses but, unable to do anything, they told me that I had to be admitted by myself. The look on my mother’s face broke me even more, watching the tears in her eyes as I stood there helpless. My mom has been my rock throughout the ups and downs life has tossed my way, and I know that when I’m hurting she feels is just as intensely. The woman is a fighter, and I know having to leave me there was nearly as difficult for her as it was for me. The nurses then brought me into the emergency mental health ward where I had to give all my personal belongings to the nurse who worked there and put my coat, scarf and anything that I could potentially use to hurt myself in a locker – this included the strings in my hoodie.  I was left sitting in another waiting room by myself, as I waited there until I was able to speak to a psychiatrist who asked me what it felt like 1 million questions, diagnosed me, gave me mirtazapine, and sent me home. I picked up the prescription that night and fell asleep on the couch next to mom, something I’d been doing for the week prior. It took a few weeks for me to get noticeably better, including lots of tears, more psychiatric appointments and long nights. After a second evaluation, my diagnosis for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Clinical Depression were re-affirmed (I was first diagnosed at 15), and was also diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. 

Despite doing much better than I was around this time last year I’m still not at 100%, largely due to the circumstances we all find ourselves in nowadays. If anyone doesn’t understand why I’ve been so anti-lockdown – this is why. The physical toll and the amount of loss the pandemic has taken on the world is horrendous, don’t get me wrong, and I understand the initial thought behind a lockdown. But the fact remains that mental health illnesses are just as horrible as physical ones. Suicide rates have sky-rocketed, and deaths by overdoses are higher than ever. This is why I’ve tried to be one of the strongest mental health advocates during these trying times – the importance of mental health support has never been stronger. 

As I said, I am doing so much better than I was at the time the photo to the right was taken, thanks to my incredible family, my devoted friends, an adorable puppy and the most amazing boyfriend in the world. I have an incredible support group, whom I firmly believe is a large reason I don’t have nearly as many panic attacks anymore, and I will forever thank God for making me so fortunate. My anxiety doesn’t act up as strongly as it used to, something I believe I can attribute largely to the man who has been my rock and my comfort, and throughout the last year with him I have noticed that my depression symptoms have greatly subsided. Mum was right; “the person you’re meant to be with should alleviate your anxiety, not cause it.”  God placed this man in my life for a reason and I think him every day for doing so, because my path in a lot of ways has never been so clear. Relating to my personal future, I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Career-wise? I’m a mess. But that’s for another blog. 

Throughout my whole life I’ve lived by the motto that everything happens for a reason. Despite feeling like I’ve been through hell and back on many occasions, I still believe that this is true, even though it may not seem that way at times. My faith has gotten me through A LOT and it continues to be a source of comfort – God has a plan and we are not meant to know exactly what it is just yet.

If the last 12 years have taught me anything, it’s that you are not alone. Ever. Whether it’s your family, friends, significant other, faith, anything – even when it seems like the world is caving in on you. 

I’ve been told I have a talent for writing, and if I’m able to spread awareness and love through this gift then I’ll do the best I can – I enjoy public speaking too but that will have to wait until events are legal again. Ultimately I still have no idea why I’ve been chosen to carry this cross – we all have our burdens, and I’m sure everyone can relate to the “why me?” feeling – but if my experiences and knowledge can help anybody, it makes it a little bit more worth it. 

Please never hesitate to reach out, if not to me than to a medical professional – there is hope and there is help!

PLEASE DONATE to my CAMH fundraiser this year – I’m getting up early every day for a week to rise to the challenge of defeating mental illness. I am NOT a morning person…so hey if you are unable to donate, join my team! 

Link for both donations and participations is: http://give.camh.ca/site/TR/Events/2021SunriseChallenge;jsessionid=00000000.app212a?team_id=5077&pg=team&fr_id=1180&NONCE_TOKEN=3FD57DDBBC8352825D8AD16FF4B7282A

For St. Joseph’s Health Centre: (416) 530-6000 or https://unityhealth.to/

For CAMH: (416) 535-8501 or camh.ca

Not writing but here’s a little creativity to showcase my past year and the incredible people that were a part of it 🙂

As opposed to the usual “this is what I did in 2019 and this is what I learned to take with me into 2020” ordeal, I decided to let the memories speak for themselves and put together a little video showcasing the past year. Spot yourselves!

I wasn’t going to make this a lengthy caption, and I’m being semi hypocritical, but I have to say that while making this video I recognized not only how many things I have to be thankful for, but how many people I have to be thankful for as well. Forever grateful for all the amazing family and friends God has blessed me with – He knew what I needed when I was stuck in with this lively group!

PS. I originally chose the song as a joke, but after really listening to the lyrics along with the photos, I found that it fit in perfectly with the theme. Xo

I’m a little late to the game but there’s still time for me to ask for your money once again this year!
CAMH’s One Brave Night is taking place on Friday May 10th, and once again I am campaigning for them. This campaign not only raises awareness and aids in mental health discussions through a unique approach, but raises funds for research and support for those living with mental illnesses every day. Over the past 2 years, thanks to you wonderful people, I have raised almost $1000 for this campaign, contributing to the $3.2 million that’s been raised since 2015. That money has been used to:
-create new youth clinics to help address the gaps in mental health treatment
-test new treatment options for people with severe and treatment-resistant depression
-aid in redeveloping CAMH facilities to build treatment, education and research spaces
-expand effective mental health services in remote and underserved communities around the country

I’ve always been very vocal as to why I’m such a major advocate for mental health, but this year I’ve decided to take a different approach to my fundraising. While I’ve always been very open about my experience and struggles with mental illness in the past, this year I’ve decided to open up about my recent battles.
After a very difficult fall semester, having undergone what was the most difficult time of my life, I struggled to figure out what was next for me. I was torn with the ambition to study abroad, but anxious about what that would be like. The holidays had gotten me down and I struggled to find motivation to continue on my educational path. I decided to take the semester off school, and even then was not happy with my decision. I found myself spiralling into a dark hole and wasn’t content with any decision I made, always unsure of myself and my future, and ultimately felt like the biggest disappointment and failure to my family and friends.
I’ve always been an anxious person, and despite having endured panic attacks since age 11 I’ve found they occur much more frequently when I’m stressed. I live with OCD every day but my symptoms and compulsions act up much more frequently when I’m stressed and overanxious. Panic attacks started to become a daily thing, and I found that I was constantly living with a heavy weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t get rid of.
After going to therapy as a teenager I found that I was able to control my anxiety a little better and resist the obsessions and compulsions I found that I was battling every day.
As I continued through my life I found that I had specific panic triggers I knew about – exam season, talking about career options, general fears about the future – but also had many triggers I couldn’t place. In my second year at Humber College the province-wide college strike took place, giving me plenty of time to question if PR was really what I wanted to pursue. As a result of the 5 weeks off from school, our Christmas holiday was cut in half, first semester bled into second semester, there was no reading week and second semester ran later than scheduled. To say the least, the year overall was swamped with chaos, and my life was close to a constant state of panic for 7 months.
Starting third year brought many new challenges to my life. A close personal loss threw me into feelings of grief I didn’t know how to cope with, and my uncertainty regarding my field or study deepened as I struggled to find any enjoyment in my classes. I was all set to start my semester abroad in Dublin in January, but this too was extremely stress-provoking. Finding Abbey hidden between all these emotions seemed impossible, and living inside my own head became unbearable. I began counting down the days left of the holiday break but struggled to form any decision. Eventually I concluded the only thing I could aim to do was take a break from life. No studying abroad. No going back to Humber. No applying for summer internships. It took me until close to March to really come to terms with my decision, but March brought a whole new slew of challenges.
I wasn’t sleeping. Again. My morphed sleep schedule became the insomnia I lived with in highschool, and nighttime brought sadness to no avail. I began feeling like a burden, so I shut myself off from the people closest to me. I was angry at everything. Confused. Frustrated. My moods flipped from one end of the spectrum to the other and I lashed out at those trying to show they cared. I felt weak, I felt like a failure. Not only was I not in school but what did I have to show for myself during my time off? Working? A bit of travel? Some initiative that later turned to dust when I lost motivation?
I found myself miserable all the time & went into the hospital because I wasn’t sure what else to do. I was put on anti-depressants and given anxiety and sleeping meds, and started going to therapy to get me out of this rut. I spent 5 days in bed, took a few weeks off work and took no enjoyment in anything. Since then I’ve gone through phases of feeling better and phases of darkness, hope and despair, and flashes of positivity and negativity. My family, friends and my faith are what I’ve turned to and depended on to get me through everything, with the belief that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Even as I write this I find I’m going through one of my darker times, and am struggling to find a rope to hang onto, but I know there is support out there and hope for me. CAMH is just one of the options, and while I personally have never reached out to them, I have complete confidence in the help they’ve supplied to many people struggling out there.
Spread love and happiness in any way you can, and if you are able to, please donate using the attached link.

xoxo

http://give.camh.ca/site/TR/OBN/OneBraveNight?px=1123565&pg=personal&fr_id=1130

Did you know one in five Canadians live with mental illness at any given time? Did you know, furthermore, that someone very close to you could be living with this disability, completely unknown to others?

Mental health by definition is “a person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being.” This leads into the definition of mental illness, which ultimately covers a broad field of mental conditions; “disorders that affect one’s mood, thinking and behaviour.” Examples of mental illnesses include: depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders, and addictive behaviours. Mental illness is greatly overlooked, not necessarily intentionally, but society has become very naïve and ignorant towards mental illness as it is a very hidden disability.

Many people tend to brush past mental conditions, or call them out as being over-exaggerated or imagined. My best friend worked in a restaurant downtown, and one time had a customer come in alone, saying he was looking for things to do in the area as his girlfriend was in the hospital. When asked what for, he replied with “anxiety attacks”, air quotes and all.  My friend confronted him on his use of air quotes and he replied “it’s probably all in her head”. As someone who has suffered panic attacks since age 11, I can tell you that they are very much real. Whether battling anxiety disorders, depression, insomnia or something similar, a mental illness in an invisible condition. Someone close to you could wake up in a panic in the middle of the night, and you wouldn’t know, as they suffer in silence. Due to the majority of the public being uneducated on this, many are hesitant on speaking to anyone about it, let alone seek the help they need, out of fear of people judged or called out as weird.

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, based in downtown Toronto, has started a campaign called “One Brave Night”, with the goal to help break the stigma, raise awareness and money, and inspire hope for those who need it. The idea of the campaign is that there is one date set up, Canada-wide (April 6^th this year) where participants commit to stay awake all night, and can register to gain donations towards the cause. On their campaign website, CAMH has set it up so those who have battled or are battling mental illness can share their stories in the hope they will inspire and give support to others.

This is the fourth year running, over the past three years there have been over 3500 participants, 15000+ donors, and over $1.5 million raised, with which they have opened three new youth clinics, tested new treatment options, redeveloped CAMH facility, published over 500 journals, and looked into more effective and timely ways to access mental health services, as anyone no matter what their age or financial situation should be able to access the help and services they need. Last year alone CAMH treated around 34,000 patients. Not-so-fun fact: 70% of mental challenges start during childhood and adolescence.

Hopefully at this point you all realize how big of an issue mental health awareness is, so now I’m going to tell you how you can get involved. There are many many ways you can involve yourselves today, if not in this specific campaign, then through generally helping to break the stigma. If you are busy April 6th, don’t want to pull an all-nighter or don’t think you’re physically able to, you can sign up simply to show support. Or if you have experience with mental illness or know someone who does, share your story or encourage them to share theirs, as reading about other people’s victories can give comfort to those looking for their own.

If you cannot afford to donate financially, or don’t know anyone to donate to, you can show support and help the cause by tweeting about it, posting on Instagram or Snapchat, or changing your Facebook status. Two minutes out of your day can make a big impact on those around you. Again, you may have someone very close to you living with a mental disability that is hidden to those around them, and a social media post just might encourage them to open up to you, leading you to being their first step to recovery.

If you forget about the website, or the campaign, or are not sure how to word a post regarding mental illness, I still encourage each and every one of you to go home and either tonight or sometime this weekend do at least a bit of research on the campaign, mental illness itself, or what CAMH’s goals are. Together with enough people talking about this major issue, we can break the stigma around mental illness, and change not only the lives of Canadians, but so many people across the globe.